Unprepared

I have never been well prepared. For anything. As a child, I was never prepared for tests, or for what to tell my mom when I got caught doing something I knew I shouldn't. I could know all day long that I was gonna need a story when she got home from work and yet, I never had one. I once climbed down a sheet ladder I made from a second story window, like they teach you to do during in fire safety week in the 3rd grade. Once I got down, I realized that A: The front door was locked and I didn't have a key; and B: I ditched school so I couldn't get the spare from the neighbor for about 4 hours yet; and C: I was not prepared to climb back up that sheet to get back into my apartment.

I have 4 children of my own, 3 of them happy surprises, if you can believe a full grown woman can be surprised by such a blessing. Actually it wasn't really a surprise I suppose, I was aware of the possibility, but due to my commitment to unpreparedness.... you get the picture. And twins!!! Who is prepared for twins?? Even the first which was planned, I was still totally unprepared for as I was but a child myself.

I was unprepared to fall in love with my husband, and even less prepared for him to love me back! Holy smokes who could see that coming!!! And lets not even pretend you can prepare to be step-mom to 5 children. You can be a lot of things (like lucky) but prepared is not one of them.

So it's no surprise that I find myself unprepared for my current situation. I am a 40 year old woman, (still) raising adolescent children, just gone through and extremely difficult time in my marriage, and still going through dramatic lifestyle changes such as chronic illness, loss of employment due to the illness, loss of social life, and believe it or not, the beginning of empty nest syndrome.

Yes, empty nest syndrome. 4 of our children are grown and out of the house, one with a family of her own! My 18 year old has moved out twice in the last few months, each time on bad terms. I didn't expect a miraculous exit from home to college, or to great paying job and house of his own as in my fantasies, but I expected a little planning (who was I kidding) and an easier, pleasant transition that did not include him being ripped away from me (or sprinting away actually) followed by a painful silent treatment. So even though I still have some birdies in the nest, they are but a few blinks away from flying the coop themselves, and are wanting more independence from me, and I am (gasp) unprepared for this.

In essence, I think I lost part of myself (I'll call her Mojo, even though it's overused, it fits) in recent years, due to my own lack of preparation for these events. I've heard about it, read about it, and seen friends go through it. But I didn't prepare myself for it.

My Mojo was great. She was FUN. She was pretty. She was thin but not skinny. She was healthy. She liked to dance, ride the Harley, loved to cook great food, play poker, play video games with the kids, spend tons of time with friends. She was a fun lover, and loved sex, and would often propose a quickie to her husband. She was funny and loved to laugh. She could be quiet and loved to read, and was never bored.

Without her, I am anxious, attractive enough but not pretty, skinny, always ill, too tired to dance, to tired and sore to ride the Harley cook only what is fast and healthy (like chicken breast and brown rice EVERY DAY, rarely play at all, hardly see the friends. Sex is still good but never spontaneous. I often laugh but am not often the comedian, and I am often bored and distracted. Which means I'm a drag, for others as well as myself.

So, I have to find her, and I am committing to doing so. I'll start here and I'm prepared for anything. If you see her, tell her I'm looking for her.